Mindfulness and Margaritas

This year has been hard. Maybe not the hardest year of my life. But definitely NOT the easiest, either. It's been a roller coaster of stress, learning, mistakes, joy, accomplishment, emotions, hard work, mindfulness and margaritas. I've been working for a place for many years that I've fallen in love with. That's a complicated relationship- loving your work like I do. Loving work like I do, means I make sacrifices maybe I shouldn't make (for my family's sake, or my own mental health!). It means being invested far beyond my pay-scale and my sanity-scale. It means not being able to set boundaries and not really understanding how detrimental that is on my spirit. It means the potential of being taken advantage of, or becoming resentful for the feeling of such (be it perceived or real). It means serving others to the point of draining myself empty and still expecting to perform super hero acts on an empty tank. You get the drift. It's tough. If nothing else, it certainly blurs the lines of work life balance to the point of delirium. I tell you this not to discourage you from falling in love with your work. On the contrary, loving what you do is a beautiful and quite rewarding experience. But this journey, as rewarding as it has been, has also had some pain. It's had some hard lessons. I want to share them. I want to encourage you BOTH to take the leap and do what you LOVE, but also, learn from my mistakes before you take the leap. (Or at least let me buy you a cup of coffee when you experience some of the same stuff and we can trade stories and life lessons.) I'm not writing this to talk about the work I do. I'm not going to dive into the dramatic retelling of this comedic course of events or that soap opera of disasters. I'm not even really writing this to give any real nuggets of wisdom. I'm writing this more or less to process the journey I've been on the last year. I'm probably even writing it (and this is more likely) so that I don't forget the incredible lessons I'm being exposed to. I am in the middle of a tough year. A season I've kindly asked the God of this Universe to end. I've asked nicely. I've demanded. I've negotiated and maybe tried bribery. But, I'm still in the middle of this very tough year. Margaritas have become a norm to cope. It's true and I'm not even mad about it. I've enjoyed the new wind down ritual. I want to be honest. I'm not perfect (oh, the shock). Some parts of my journey are legitimate circus acts (shit storms, if you will). I have my pride, probably more than I should carry around. And I have developed this beautiful little new attitude of "entitlement". I want to talk about how this little beast of a thing emerged. My entitlement attitude crept in ever so slyly. The daring, ballsy bug crept in through the door of exhaustion. The door wasn't locked because it has long been left open from my willingness (nay, my ABSOLUTE NEED) to take on the world in the form of a "hero". I'd said yes to everyone and everything in my path. I'd made the assumption I could do it all, without taking into account logical reasoning of basic biology or time. This shifty lil thing caressed my weary mind with sly notions on how to "compensate myself" for the sacrifices I was making. But, really, this critter was shifting my focus from service of others to service of self. It shifted my mind from healthy relationships to manipulative musings. And in less eloquent verbiage, it seriously turned me into a greedy, whiny person who became less and less able to problem solve as the circus became more and more unmanageable. I allowed this thing to wiggle into my heart and create resentment where instead I should have been mindfully contemplating productive solutions. This villain, named Entitlement, changed my attitude from helpful, to spiteful. I'm embarrassed when I look back on some of the notable moments where my attitude of entitlement got the better of me and out roared a demanding, strong willed, selfish Rosie. Those were bad days. Bad moments. God, I'm thankful I work with people who all love their work as much as I do. Because they loved me through those yucky moments. It's scary to me to think, the different path I'd be on if they gave up on me. What about the people out there who let that creepy lil life sucker sneak in their doors of weariness and despair that didn't have people surrounding them with compassion? What happened to them? Well, they are the people we all encounter on a daily basis who throw fits about their cold soup or imperfectly made, overpriced coffees. Those people, used to be kind and flexible somewhere along their journey, just like I was. (At least I'm betting that's true.) I could have become one of those people (my road rage would signify I was fully there, but I'd like to keep that immature behavior for a bit longer--- it's Oregon, you gotta be aggressive to get places!)... But that's lesson one--- I see myself in every person I meet that is rude, or unreasonable in a moment of confusion, miscommunication, frustration or any of the other "tions". I see the desperation and need to be gratified just to avoid being drowned by the heavy sea of being taken for granted. I know what it feels like to attach myself to a little tiny concept like "being right" as if it were the saving grace for a never ending abyss of feeling "overworked and underappreciated". A wrong cup of coffee all of a sudden represents years of self-worth being cast aside as if it were "just another cup of coffee". Self worth isn't fixable like a cup of coffee is. Remake the coffee. Self worth isn't remade, though. There's no "reset button" for self worth. It's so intricately wound around all the things that we entangle ourselves with. So, here's lesson number one on the Rosie log of "Hard Year Lessons". COMPASSION. In every face, in every heart I encounter I want to choose COMPASSION. Why? Because I am THEM. They are ME. I know what it's like to feel entitled to the perfect cup of coffee when my bank account is low and I work so hard that my kids never see me and my husband gets a shitty wife for a companion because I've chosen to work overtime for a job that keeps demanding more and more of my time. (Yes, that's pretty dramatic, but on a bad day--- that's so real I can taste the Dutch Bros mixed with my salty tears) I want to be the compassionate one when someone is throwing a fit. Maybe they are in the wrong, I know I was in the wrong a million times over when I made my demands out of exhaustion, fear, insecurity, defensiveness.... But--- I got lucky when my entitlement was returned with compassion. I'm thinking, I'd better return the favor. Not once. Not twice. But continually. Until there is a moment when someone is shifted by my compassion. Even if I don't see the shift. But compassion is truly the only killer to that monster I call entitlement. I used to think ACCOUNTABILITY was, but I'm learning, compassion is much, MUCH more powerful. Lesson number two on this journey has to do with my ability to set boundaries. I have NEVER been good at setting boundaries. I like being liked way too much to set boundaries. I like being a "hero" way too much to say "no". I like being CAPABLE too much to walk away from situations that need to be put on pause (or walked away from all together). I am in the process of saying good bye to the job I have loved so dearly, and in part, I'm saying goodbye because I didn't have the ability to set boundaries. I bet, in hindsight, if I had set healthy boundaries earlier, I'd be keeping this job and it wouldn't have overrun me the way it has. I wasn't able to set boundaries, though, because I thought that by setting boundaries I was admitting defeat or failure. This isn't just work related either. I've been taken advantage in friendships and relationships for the same reason. I've never believed someone would keep believing in me or working with me if I set boundaries. Boundaries, to me, always seemed like a luxury I never would be worthy of. Watching my husband encourage me to take days off when we couldn't afford it, or having employees tell me I was amazing even when their paychecks were low because I couldn't fix the glitches in our system or having employers tell me they thought the world of me when I responded emotionally when I should have responded professionally all taught me that boundaries are FAIR. All these examples taught me that boundaries are not something someone earns, but are something EVERYONE DESERVES and has access to. I was given a gift with this lesson. I want to give this gift to others. I want to look you, and every person I have the honor of speaking to, in the eyes and inspire all to SET BOUNDARIES. Strong people do it (which is quite contrary to my original belief system). Healthy people learn their limits and embrace them without insecurity. It is NOT unreasonable to know your limits. I have honestly spent most of my life feeling like if I meet a "limit" I am somehow failing. I had a conversation with my husband the other night about my lofty personal standards. He asked me "who told you you had to be perfect?" No one. I told myself that. I learned this behavior over the years. I told myself the repeated lie that if I wasn't completely on top of every aspect of life I was useless. I am the one who took the praises of others ("Rosie, you can do anything you put your mind to") and turned it into my own personal demand ("Rosie, if at any time you CAN'T accomplish something because you are capable of ANYTHING, you are failing in SOME way"). This is hard, because, I'm stuck with ME. I can't walk away from ME. I have to FACE ME. I'd be one thing if I developed this unhealthy expectation of myself because I had a demanding employer or an abusive relationship. I could detach myself from people and situations if that were the case. But here I am, realizing that no one is asking me to be perfect but ROSIE. How do I tell ROSIE to lower her standards? How do I reinvent the goals, the motivating factors, the thought processes of what has been driving me for the majority of my adult life? I am terrified that this reinvention of ME will in turn create someone less thrilling, someone less impressive, someone less than..... But that's the honesty of my journey. I don't have an answer to this one. I don't even have a plan. I just know that I better figure this complex correlation between perfection and relationships and self worth and capability and boundaries before it causes more damage on my heart and renders me ineffective to the nurturing and serving I love to do for others! I know I'm no where near done in accounting for this season's lessons, both practical or humorous. This season has been richer in depth than that. But I'm still ruminating on the themes and concepts of this ripe time. I am so lucky (at least, this I know) that I have been given the tools to look at life with this "learning lens". Otherwise, this season would have broken me ten times over. I would have thrown fits, walked out on people, given up on opportunities and been completely unchanged by the difficulties and obstacles I've faced. But I am so thankful for whatever it is that resides in my being that says "this pain, too, has great value". I am so grateful that I have people around me who remind that experience and interactions all build upon each other to create a performance bigger than the little circus ring we're currently staged in. There are definitely parts of this act that feel like the lion's gotten out and is about to devour the acrobats while the elephants stampede the crowd and the ringmaster is all tangled up in their their own stinkin whip and can't control anything that's going on. But, I know better. I know this is not as chaotic as my anxiety and insecurities would have me believe. I know this, too, shall pass. I also know, I want to be better because of it. Whatever this "it" is, I want it to be a rich part of my journey. Not a waste, not a mistake, not a bitterness building blob of misdirection. This will be a season of learning that I shall never forget. I want to be mindful enough in every moment of this season to absorb the experience as an unforgettable memory. At first, and at many times throughout, I have been so tempted to disconnect. Emotionally go numb. Remove myself from heart to heart, relationship connections. Hide from the chaos in general. But that would also mean missing out on the beauty of being human in an existence that is so "life like". This is L.I.F.E. Living, breathing, existing L.I.F.E. I can't spend it trying to fast forward to the next season every time a circus appears because I prefer jazz music. I want to be mindful of each moment regardless of the theme. Painful- I'm present. Joyful- I'm in it. Educational- I'm immersed. Difficult- I'm thinking of solutions. Simple- I'm connecting my senses to the simplicity to find peace. All of it- being mindfully immersed in these moments means I get to experience this season, not mentally block it out. Being mindful means this stress doesn't overshadow the incredible developments my children are undergoing. It means my husband is my best friend not my business partner. It means my friends are the people I laugh with not the people I use as punching bags for tension release. Mindfulness means connecting to your moments with every fiber of your being, without fear. Without reservation. I'm into that, totally. Mindfullness and Margaritas. I'm into those too. They help. **Cheers, from my fancy margarita glass**