Vicissitude

I stole this word off a friend's fridge. For many reasons, I do not feel bad for stealing it. One: the guys who originally had it on their fridge have HUNDREDS of words on their fridge. Two: they couldn't define this word. IF they were able to, I'd give it back. Three: this word means more to me than it does them. HA! (And that, folks, is the kind of great debating you'd see from me if we were to ever be at war.)
Words rock my life. (Hence my active role in writing and my obvious obsession with talking.) I love word-play, word-games, word-flurries of expression, word-analogies, and dictionaries...Oh and thesauruses too!
Anyway, in case you haven't already done it, I am going to provide you with two reliable sources of the definition for this word, so that as I continue this blog- you aren't distracted by wondering what it means.

Dictionary.com
–noun
1. a change or variation occurring in the course of something.
2. interchange or alternation, as of states or things.
3. vicissitudes, successive, alternating, or changing phases or conditions, as of life or fortune; ups and downs: They remained friends through the vicissitudes of 40 years.
4. regular change or succession of one state or thing to another.

And then...a less reliable source, but humorous: (trust me, it was a shocker this word was even listed on this site...)
Urbandictionary.com

vicissitude
Quite literally change, or chaotic nature. Vicissitude would be used to describe the emotional state of mental patients or the chemical properties of nitro and glycerin.
Vicissitude is a word that is used mainly to belittle others in that very few people know it's meaning.

I am vicissitude. Not EXPERIENCING vicissitude. I am IT. Growing up, my friend's mom used to refer to me as "her effervescent daughter". I couldn't really deny that description. (If you're now being distracted by wondering what THAT means....–adjective
1. effervescing; bubbling.
2. vivacious; gay; lively; sparkling.
3. To show high spirits or animation.)
So, combine effervesc-ing with vicissitude-ing. Anyone wanna know what we have on our hands? Cataclysm. That could be a little dramatic on the description, but I feel right up there with world disaster.
I know I'm not the only one to struggle with change, or to struggle with a passionate opinion, so again, I'm not worried about you not relating. There have been moments in my life where my effervescence has bubbled right past what could have wrecked me. And there have also been moments where the life shifts have taken my passion and turned it right into my own poison. I'd like to claim some sort of middle ground between the two, saying that I sometimes just skirt through life unaffected and unaffecting, but realistically- I'm not even designed that way.
Right now, and if you can associate with this respond with an encouraging "AMEN, sista", I am in a turbulent season of change, instability, uncertainty and metaphorical disability.
Normally, I thrive off the unknown. I love adventure. Unexpected turns and interesting sights along the ride are adventurous. Exploring a new beginning is adventurous. Shifting of foundations and hidden plates deep under the surface is NOT adventure. That is a life shattering earth quake.
I would say I've learned a LOT about faith in the last 8 months. Probably very confident in the fact that I've gained 90% of my foundational understanding and practical application of the very thing more so now, than at any other point in my life.
The thing that is saving this vicissitudinal effervesc-ing mess? This concept:
I was reading in a bible study I am doing from Sheila Walsh called: Extraordinary Faith and one of the chapters was hashing out the topic of "count it as joy to be testing because in the end you will shine and God will have purified you". I wanted to really, just skip past this chapter. I have had a hard time counting testing as a joyful event let alone being able to see any future of shining like purified gold. But, thankfully I didn't. Because God revealed one more amazing thing about His character and MY season.
There's a million verses that talk about being tested, so it's not a new concept. Back then, the analogy they used a lot was testing from God was like the purification process of a precious metal. A few of the verses kept mentioning a "crucible". I knew what a crucible was from chemistry- the un-meltable, un-ruinable, ugly cup thing you can mess with chemicals in and not worry about them burning a hole through the bottom. It's basically indestructible to handle the chaos happening within it.
That very sentence melts my anxiety ridden heart. God is the crucible. God's faithful, unchanging self houses all the change, all the chaos, all the pain. He is the constant protecting us when life isn't as stable as we could hope. When we're undergoing cataclysmic change, he's there holding it. He even catches the bubbling spills that overflow.
I know I'm going to come out of this deal still a voluptuous ball of effervescing vicissitude. That's Rosie. God doesn't strip us of our personality in the fire. He purifies it. And I guess that's where I get the joy from. The thought of being more pure.

A Little Bit in Love....

With Jim Halpert....(there's actually a website for this childish obsession, but it's really not all that great so I'm not going to suggest you go look at it to get a better understanding of HOW I feel. Cuz you won't.)

I understand obsession with TV personalities might be a little unhealthy, and that I am not the only girl/woman/lady/female who has discovered Jim's undeniable lovability. Thankfully, in this case, BECAUSE he's not real, I don't feel IN competition with these other crazy ladies, but maybe a sense of comaraderie.(If I'm going to have a "type" and he's going to be fictional, I think at this point I WANT other women to agree with me, to lessen the feeling of insanity.) If guys want a good solid few hints on what works in the romance department, training from Mr. Halpert would be well worth their time :). (Really, Jim Halpert in all his humor and romantic ways, has a pretty good way of dealing with life. His style is also pretty irresistible...Just sayin'.)

I recognize that Hollywood is nearly half the source of unhealthy expectations when it comes to real relationships. I also get that even though I recognize that, doesn't mean I am immune to these unrealistic expectations. In my case, I would like to say that I am too "logical" for completely losing my brain over a fictional story line, so really, Hollywood isn't a SOURCE of my hopeless romantic side it's just the icing on an already very clearly baked cake. My issue, or unique way of hoping, has a deeper root, and honestly- I'm blaming God for that one.

Yes, I fell apart for Mr.Darcy, and who wouldn't want to be swept away like Rosie (not me..unfortunately) from Win a Date with Tad Hamilton? I get all prepared like every girl to take in every romantic aspect of great chic flicks like Pretty Woman and (dare I say it) The Notebook: Ice cream, great sweat pants, pedicures and probably even candles and wine if it's a good night. But I still maintain that it's not Hollywood's great casting ability (gorgeous guys loving gorgeous women incredibly really does send some girls...and guys if they were honest...right out of reality orbit and into another realm) or some screenwriter's ability to script a few amazing lines (gorgeous men saying incredible adulations to gorgeous women also seems to be quite the trap to moving from reality into the long lost world of daydreaming) that creates the amorous junkie that I seem to be.

I believe there are two parts to my blaming God on this one. First, the obvious, would be that it is safe to say and clear to most who know me, I am not a "little bit of anything". I am usually overly excited, over-achieving, overspent, over the line, overdue, overly affectionate, and always overly loud (all with a cheesy Miss America smile I can't seem to wipe off or unscrew for the life of me). So, it would make sense to just blame my design on also being overly hopeful in the guy department (although, you must know, my romanticism of life does not contain itself just to dating relationships...I also tend to spill that all over into my career circumstances, my friendships and any other normal life situations that I believe should be spiced up and beefed up with a good story). I know that somewhere along the line in my being created, there had to have been a bit of an accident or a joke or an experiment...(not that I believe God ever makes mistakes....so it probably is part of a joke/experiment all in one.) The second part is not only for me, and is definitely not speculation. God is a romancer, the ULTIMATE romancer if you will. Put the two together, Rosie (hopeless romantic) and God (ultimate romantic) and you have an equation for one cataclysmic life.

I have found something that seems to be quite the interesting positive correlation. The more I fall in love with Christ, and the more I understand about Christ being a husband who leads and loves unconditionally and providentially, the more I become a hopeless romantic. I can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, I develop such a taste for God's romance that nothing is worth settling for and seek after His more and more. On the other hand, I expect too much here on earth. Either way, boy does it create an ache inside this already over-worked heart of mine!

Without a doubt my favorite ideas on what my husband would look like are straight from God's descriptions (His word, of course...see 1 Tim 3) but I would add that there have been some phenomenal displays of my hopes in a few Hollywood men. And, I'm not going to lie, if guys learned from those two combined forces- well, life would be a different story... :D (a much more romantic one, to say the least)

Please don't close this by thinking I'm walking around waiting for my very own Jim Halpert- in all my unrealistic ideas, this is not an area I'm that far gone in. But I will say, I'm not settling for an option or a current circumstance because my God taught me He, Himself, provides a romance I can't get anywhere else. And that, I happen to be quite overly excited about.

Slogans Sell Chicken Feet To Suits

This life is a store- full of what we like, want and strive to have. I am a product in my own store- caught up in a salesman's journey of convincing. I know very well my own make, model and distinctive capabilities. "I am just what you need, I will make your life better." But wait, I think that was my old slogan- the one I used when I thought through undeniable shownmanship it could be proven that my worth far outweighed my cost and I was a helluva bargain. The people who jump on bargains are sucker-fish, not so much interested in the product as they are in having. (These people wear suits and smell expensive.) I could be "had" but then I'd never see appreciation. So, that slogan is out. I believe my next tactic could be outright declaring my worth-- for all to see. This could be a risky move, becuase it attracts crowds-yes- but often the most desperately drawn have nothing to offer in payment. They pine and hurt painfully for something they know not how to attain. I'm stuck with motionless loiterers. (These people DO NOT wear suits and smell of hot dogs. ) So here I am, thinking of my slogan. Contemplating how to protect myself from the undeserving and how to avoid teasing the unable. I'm off the shelf. No sale should go down this way. But stowed away from all other marketable things, I SEE...... I recognize buyers and their intentions. At times it is disgusting to observe the shopper with an acute hunger pang. It is terribly sad to see longing in $50 too short. I wish I could just stay up here away from that chaos, away from the crowded stealing and honest hard work being tiredly exchanged. But my maker is not in the business of designing uselessness. I have to get out there, I have to BE- regardless of my buyer's intentions. There is no salespitch- it is what it is. Maybe I am in the catering industry.

Get Your Reflection Straight

Being as it's a New YEAR- I'm going to be stereotypical...REFLECTION TIME!(Your expectation for the entire rest of this blog should be CHEESE. These New Year's deals are nothing but CHEESY- just promise me to keep reading.) I'm a big fan of nostalgia and I feel God is a big fan of periodic self-examination. Putting the two together gives you tears, growth and best of all HOPE. Regardless of how cliche it is to look over the past year and evaluate how it went and make a few vows to the coming year- I consider it slightly necessary. But in order to properly REFLECT on the past, I am going to advise, you better be properly seeing your current REFLECTION.

My daughter was examining her beauty in the reflection of the window. The long drive and quickly blackening sky meant she was running out of constructive ideas of how to entertain herself until she drifted off to sleep. I had my rear-view mirror strategically turned so I could see her and she could see me. (Us animated types feel 80% of conversation rests in the facial expressions, so proper viewing in the car is essential to our communication.) She caught me watching her fluffing her hair and putting on imaginary make-up (while watching the road, I promise...it's a talent of mine). "I'm pretty, huh, Mom?" "The prettiest thing I know," I truthfully spoke. She smiled as if I had never said that exact response before and turned back to primping. "Hey, Mom! Guess what!!! I think my hair is turning blonde!!!" I tried not to laugh, because Zoe hates it when I don't take her seriously (how can I with comments like that?!?!) "Zoe, you're hair is ALREADY blonde." And then, the best blonde joke's punch line exited my daughter's excited face, "I AM!?! AWESOME!"

I'd like to end that story with "I don't know where in the world she gets it from", but I can't start this whole thing out by lying :( ... I do the same thing, not with my hair color mind you, but my CHARACTER. I look in the mirror and see what my emotions tell me to see. I do this over and over and pretty soon I've forgotten who GOD has said I am. Then, when it comes to my attention what I should be seeing- I am shocked. Sometimes embarrassingly so, because all this while I've been throwing myself together in front of the mirror thinking "this works, this is good enough" just to find out I've slowly let my true design go. I'm caught replacing my God given beauty with hurried and careless cover-up when deep cleansing was really in order. (Facially speaking, we all know what this means----it catches up to us in the form of pussy ol' zits.) The flipside to that is seeing a woman who is just not enough day after day staring back at me. Then, God in His everlovin' blessin' heart, re-introduces the girl HE actually sees. It's flattering, but in a very painful and humbling way. (How is it He sees grace in the middle of a frumpy mess?) I hate knowing I spend the majority of my time on this side of the mirror telling myself things OTHER than what God speaks to me and about me. Can't my mirror just grab God's eyes and keep them there- so even on days I haven't equipped my OWN eyes, I can still see what HE sees?!? I do believe my silly mirror has a personality of its own, can I talk it into hookin up with God to get that set up? (anyone else NOT believe mirrors have personalities? check out peopleofwalmart.com...those people had mirrors that LIE...) Seriously though, if I don't figure out a way to perceive myself well, (really the only good way to see ourselves is through God's eyes...we can be "self aware" all we want, but if it isn't by God's truth, we got some awareness comin our way....) how can I reflect on who I have been and even try to dream of who I want to be? How can I know what God is asking me to do if I don't even know who He sees as He's calling?

Sometimes, I worry- if God was interviewed and then I were to be separately questioned- we would have completely different answers on "who is Rosie". (I am doubting I'm alone on this issue of reflection perception.) I want to get to a point where we describe the same person, because my sight is from His. In looking back over the year, I want us to be describing the same year. (We all know how one event can have MANY different stories depending on the witness...In this case---different stories equals a bit of a mess---misdirection, confusion...you know it...)I want to see my failures, my growth, my blessings and my losses the way God sees them, so that in the end- I see one more bit of His intricate story. I want HIS take on my story, not mine (mine is quite a bit more cynical at times, a lot less patient and sometimes overly excited about things that aren't even part of the real plot.)

When I wake up in the morning and move toward the daring eye shadow and finish with the cute new shoes, I still want to see the clean bride God called from the very beginning. So---along with all this New Years reflecting business, I am doing a little work on my REFLECTION. I don't want to coerce my mirror to lie to me (although sometimes I'd love to be as "uninformed" as many naive'ins...) and I can't train my own eyes to see beyond their human capabilities. But I learned something pretty cool a while back....(I can only hope all you ladies are pretty excited to hear the trick...). I, like all other women on this planet, was having a fat day---more like a fat month. I was REALLY degrading myself in the mirror (can't imagine God was all too flattered by the continual disgust of my image). I even was praying that God would help me see me the way He did, so I would get out of this weird "self-criticizing" mode. One day, I had people over to my house to pray, we were moving from room to room anointing certain things in the rooms and out of nowhere a guy friend of mine (he DEFINITELY didn't know I'd been struggling with my reflection) just walked up to the mirror in my room and anointed it and started praying the very prayer I had been pleading for quite some time. Revolutionary! So, do it. Anoint your mirrors (even if not literally, metaphorically, get those mirrors introduced to some Holy Spirit vision). The Holy Spirit is God IN us, and in this case that would be the exact set of glasses we need to be looking at the world through- including when we're looking at ourselves.


Beautiful reflection=joyful reflecting.
I want my story to be a joy even when it's painful- I want to be a joy even when I'm not perfect. The only way to capture that is to grasp God's vision for us while He sees it all.
Inaccurate perceptions=misguided assumptions.
I'm the queen of assumptions (hence the "long way around" life I've mostly lived) and I have ended up in a lot of dead ends because I took a bunny trail based off my own perceived truth. God, Your truth is the only one I'll accept, even when the mirror seems to argue. :)

Launchin it

So, there's a reason I've put off joining this internet fad. It's not because I wanted to rebel against what everyone else is doing these days. And it's not because I feared no one would read my life wonderments and mind wanderings (considering there are a lot of bloggers who AREN'T funny and AREN'T interesting and people still read their ramblings). I've actually WANTED to jump fingers first into this lawless form of personal expression! It's quite enticing to the amateur writer I am and the professional opinionist I pretend to be to have the imaginary offer of writing for the largest communication portal AND get to completely control and freely choose what I write about....
The honest hold-up happens to be an issue of commitment. I, being both an aspiring writer and a bit of an over-achiever, wanted to do this thing RIGHT- columnist style. Routine, yet readable by people OTHER than family members and long distance friends who want to keep up on Zoe's entertaining doings (sorry Mom, this is not the place to read about what Zoe did at school today or how I had an epic fail at cooking). And with my crazy life, not starting the blog I would take all-to-seriously was a better option than failing by quitting mid-sentence.
But, I want this now. :) I am committed. :) (applause please) So here it is... regular AND unpredictable in one place. MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION! (also my way of substituting any sort of ridiculous weight loss promises)---Treadmill for the writer. Better than some stupid work out regime, this is an exercise program for what I really am doing behind the scenes- a book. (gasp in excitement please)
Blogging is hopefully going to act as not only my personal trainer, but my filter, my executive idea manager and my "get it out of your system because this is NOT going in the book" outlet. :) (I also don't get to make smiley faces in my book, which, for me, is really difficult to abide by...personally I'd like to be the first GOOD author who breaks that rule and just emoticons the hell out of my book...but, that idea hasn't sold...so...maybe AFTER I'm famous...)
So, as a cheaper alternative to the newspaper with a significantly minimal amount of information on responsible life (economy, presidential sillyness, and weather) and hopefully an incredibly grandiose amount of hilarity and maybe a bit of wisdom...(we'll see)HERE IS MY BLOG. Get excited. :)